It has been 3 weeks today (Monday), since my Precious, Courageous, Hero Jacob lost his battle with Cancer!
I really don't know where to start, everything has been such a numbing blur.........................................which direction do I travel?? It is so hard to travel when there is a HUGE hole in your heart, a BIG part of my life was gone in a blink of an eye which left me feeling empty. It is forward I am trying to go, but honestly life is at a standstill. It's really hard to get past the fact that my only son is gone, a part of me, a part of me that never left my side. He had battled for so long and won so many times! Yes, I ask WHY?? Never will I have an answer for that BIG UNIVERSAL QUESTION! I often ask, can I just have one more day, hour or even a min with Jacob, to here his voice, see his smile and here his laugh, but I know that won’t be.
I have Jacob all around me; it’s the memories that surround me, on the walls in the computer, the short little video clips, his room and toys. There are still things I do out of habit, boy that’s a gut kicker. I know right now it is hard to accept, but I also know he won’t have to suffer no more, no more clinic and hospital visits, no more spinals, bone marrow biopsy’s, transfusion and antibiotics. He is free from all this and he is happy. I know there will be a time that I will look at and watch memories of Jacob and I won’t cry, just smile. I will always know how blessed I was to have Jacob for the last 7 years.
I have some people ask me WHAT HAPPENED!!!! We did not know he was this bad?? Honestly I did not think we were going to lose him either, of course it crossed my mind at times, but not yet! A couple weeks prior to his passing you can tell he was not feeling all that great, but I also knew he had the pneumonia and then got hit with the bacterial infection, all this took a lot out of him and to top it off his Leukemia was no longer being effected by his chemo and his little body was so weak. He no longer wanted to be at the hospital so we were lucky to have been home for 4 days before we went in on Monday Feb. 1st at 11:30am. When we went in he was drinking and talking, but in a matter of hours you can see him slow down and his breathing had become quick and labored. BUT through out the day I would keep asking him how do you feel, he would keep telling me "GOOD" I would ask him are you having trouble breathing, he would say "NO, I AM FINE" HE NEVER ONCE COMPLAINED!! That says a lot about Jacob!! So pretty much what happened was that the Leukemia took over his bone marrow so he was not making any good cells, like red cells, just Leukemia blasts and his Bone Marrow Failed.
Red blood cells carry oxygen from the lungs to the body and carbon dioxide back from the body to the lungs. When red cells are affected by disease, symptoms can include anemia, fatigue, weakness, shortness of breath, and headaches
Yes I wanted to yell out “No it is not his time, it’s not his time, don’t take him, but I saw my beautiful boy laying there, I knew, so I leaned over and whispered into his ear ”Its OK, relax, Mommy Loves You!” I just kept telling him that. It all happened so quickly and peacefully, I held him when he took his last breath, Feb 1st 2010 at 11:35pm
This played at his memorial:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWMk_MoFTFM
Thank You for every ones prayers and words of encouragement,
Mommy Melisa
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