Wednesday, April 7, 2010

A LOT TO THINK ABOUT

For EVERYONE that has followed Jacob, kept him in your prayers and wrote in his guestbook, I am truly grateful!!! Each guestbook entry helped with every step of Jacob’s Journey. Some gave me inspiration, some gave me courage and some even helped me take a stand when it came to Jacob’s treatment. I know, I still would not let anything go when it came to Jacob’s treatment, if I had an opinion or thought or there might be something else, I SPOKE UP! This is my son and I will do anything in my power to make sure it was done for him. Questions, Internet, trials and others that had already traveled in my shoes were my guidelines to which I followed. I also new, I would know when it was time to stop, when Jacob’s little body told us he had enough. That is the hardest part for a parent, to watch their child die!! Jacob’s journey was coming to an end, no matter how much I wanted to fight and scream to keep him with us, I knew it was time, no matter how much my heart hurt. I do remember when our Dr. walked in, she looked at us and said I am so sorry, it’s not good; we knew at that very moment it was time to say our “GOODBUYS”. That is when I tried to wake Jacob to talk to him but he was unresponsive, a sad memory I will never forget. A little earlier that evening I tried to sit next to him in the bed and watch TV with him but he wanted nothing to do with that so a push and a no got me up. I wish I could have had that TV time with him :o( To have been in these shoes so worn out and tethered from the long hard journey that we had traveled, it is so hard to look forward without being pulled back with so much of your life being behind you. You look behind you and you don’t want to leave it, too much to hold on to. WHAT DO YOU DO? HOW DO YOU DO IT? These are still questions I struggle with on a daily basis. “PICTURES” is one of the ways I deal with the loss of Jacob. Viewing, sorting and printing, so much so I wonder if this somehow keeps me from truly mourning the death of Jacob. The pic’s help me stay close and remember. “SCRAPBOOKING” something I have always done, but now it has a whole new meaning for me. It is now an obsession! I had done a book for each of Jacob’s years, so every birthday I started a new one for him. But yes with life, not all the books are complete and now I am being anal over his books, I MUST GET THEM DONE! I actually had to stand back and tell myself “STOP”! I was finding out I was not getting anything done, just getting myself frustrated. I took my own advice “relax and breathe”. Once I see what pic’s I still need, I will sort them, print them, scrapbook them and then his memories can be enjoyed. *sigh*
Jacob I miss you more than you can ever imagine, a breaking heart that yearns to hold & hug you, hear your laugh. As the time passes it tends to get harder, as I miss you more & more. A forever stay at “Camp Heaven”, I already know you got your honorary angel wings award. You have always done me proud, “NO REGRETS”. Love you, FOREVER!
OMG, I guess I had a lot on my mind and felt like journaling, Energizer Journalist. LOL

Thank You for the continued prayers!
Melisa

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